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00 teachwire.net/secondar y ITEM 1 Saved by the bell The meeting has been called to try and devise a more efficient process than last week’s Y7 parents' evening, where the queue out the door was so long that by the time the last parents had sat down with the teachers they came to see, their kids were in Year 8. GL opened the floor to suggestions. ‘We need to limit the time with each parent and stick to it,’ said RR (with a certain fervour in her voice). ‘None of this chitchat nonsense! One question, max! Predicted grades given, boom. Next...’ GL suggested that there should surely be some room to field questions and address any concerns. ‘Thursday is my Clubbercise class at the leisure centre, and I’m concerned that if I miss it again – because I’m here ‘til gone 9 – they’ll take my glowsticks off me. Also, it’s bloody knackering for us, the parents and the kids.’ Last Meeting's Minutes GL said that was a fair point. What would be the best way to limit the chances of appointments overrunning? CL chimed in: ‘Bell. Big bell. It’ll be like speed dating. Two minutes to see if Mum and Dad are going to be all smiles, or whether it’s no Fortnite forever. Then the bell goes and we can do it all again.’ ‘Yeah, that’s all well and good,’ said BN, ‘but you’ve all forgotten about one thing.’ Which was? ‘Mrs Ostra.’ The attendees were given a short coffee break to sharpen their minds for the next, incredibly difficult item. ITEM 2 What do we do with Mrs Ostra? Mrs Ostra, mother of the absolute diamond-of-a-kid David Ostra, is the Y9 Parent ’s Evening Present: GL (Deputy Vice Principal), BN, RR, CL Meeting held in: The Assembly Hall – where this time next week, Y9 and assorted parents, carers and other uninterested parties will be crammed in here like it was market day. 11 “We need to limit the time with each parent and stick to it...” teachwire.net/secondary current world record holder for non-stop speaking and tangential verbal meanderings. She has made sea walls crumble before the torrents of words that pour forth from her tireless vocal chords and has, in previous years, set back parents' evenings by hours, as she is able to deflect anyone trying to get a word in edgeways, frontways, backways and has little to no conception of anything other than her current monologue. ‘We could always tell her the wrong day,’ said RR. GL replied that the letters had already gone out, his voice now ever so slightly higher in pitch. ‘I can’t do it again,’ said BN. ‘I knew more about her life after five minutes of meeting her than I know about my own family. And none of it had anything to do with geography. Or anything else, for that matter.’ ‘What we need to do is contain ,’ said CL. We meet her at the door and say we’d like her to go to the VP’s office, as she wants to congratulate her on David’s progress. We then leave her in there, get everyone through and have one person take all the reports to her. ‘But where are we going to find someone to take that kind of a hit? pondered RR. All eyes shifted to GL. AOB See petty cash regarding the purchase of a bell and earplugs. MEETING ADJOURNED So everyone can get home a bit early, just in case...